If the answer is "you,"well- you could be the lucky hockey fan who gets to go see the New York Rangers kick off their season in Prague, or as John McCain calls it, Czechoslovakia.

Here's a riddle for John McCain:

What's the difference between the New York Rangers and Czechoslovakia?

Czechoslovakia ceased to exist in 1993 whereas the Rangers waited until 1995.

Of course, having the Rangers play in Prague is 100 percent consistent with almost all of the recent signings of the Rangers, namely "a great idea if it happened three years ago."

And I know, many hockey pundits over the past several years have been praising the Rangers and their post-lockout return to being a playoff team, but with the "don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out" departure of Ranger captain and Czech star Jaromir Jagr, and the signings of the past-his-prime Marcus Naslund and soon-to-be past-his-prime Wade Redden, it looks like we are seeing a return to the disastrous decisions that not only led the Rangers into years of soaring payrolls and a complete lack of team chemistry, but the utter abandonment of the only thing that actually worked for the Rangers over the past decade, the creation of a team identity built around Jagr and young Czech players.

Check out this post-lockout 2005 New York Times article about the first place Rangers and team identity. There might be a login required, so here's the pertinent passage:

New York reminds Jagr of European cities, and his preponderance of Czech teammates makes him feel almost at home.

His roommate on the Upper West Side is the Czech rookie Petr Prucha. His car pool to practice includes the Czech veterans Martin Rucinsky and Martin Straka. Jagr usually sits in the back, sipping a cup of coffee and reading the newspaper. The group chats exclusively in Czech.

The car pool has grown this season. The Rangers now have six Czech players on their roster and three players who used to be with Jagr in Pittsburgh. "It's all by design," Rangers Coach Tom Renney said. "You can tell they enjoy each other's company."

Not only are the Rangers in first place in the Atlantic Division, but Jagr also leads the N.H.L. with 12 goals and Straka has complemented him with 13 assists. During games, Jagr and Straka continually gesture to each other, flashing the same sort of hand signals they used to give with the Penguins.

"We had this situation in Pittsburgh with a lot of Czech guys around him," said Michal Rozsival, a Rangers defenseman from the Czech Republic who played with Jagr in Pittsburgh. "He was always happy, always upbeat. He looks the same right now."

The only remaining Czech players on the Rangers are Rozsival, who remains a solid defenseman, Petr Prucha, who despite a promising rookie season has been invisible of late, and Marek Malik, a hulking oaf who gets booed by his home crowd practically every time he hits the ice, and whose unrestricted free agent status leaves him still available to any NHL General Manager willing to part with a used puck bag.

So good luck on the Prague trip, Rangers. I'm sure the locals will be thrilled to come out and cheer for Dan Fritsche.

So it seems that the Rangers have managed completely recover from one of the two brilliant hockey decisions they have made in the past decade- establishing a team identity. (The other one was signing Henrik Lundquist.) Now, after booting their captain, letting character guy and fan favorite Sean Avery walk out the door, leaving Brendan Shanahan unsigned and likely retiring, the Rangers have effectively created another power vaccum for who is going to lead their team. Will it be Drury? Gomez? Naslund? Unless a major surprise happens and this team miraculously becomes greater than the sum of it's mismatched parts, the Rangers are threatening to reclaim their throne as the Toronto Maple Leafs of the United States hockey market, filled with aging players with no chemistry and no chance at the cup, with the one difference being that they'll never have to deal with all that annoying "fan interest" and "demand for tickets" that Toronto struggles with. All things considered, it's a miracle the Rangers didn't end up with Mats Sundin.

As a dedicated Bruins fan, no one wanted to see the Rangers and Bruins face off in the Winter Classic in the last game ever played in Yankee Stadium more than me. But as a general hockey fan who wants to see the game grow, I certainly don't want a team with no identity on the stage that was established last year as such a triumphant showcase for the league.

I have always hated Jaromir Jagr. I hated him for beating my team when he played great, and I hated his lack of passion for the game when he didn't. But hockey has always needed bad guys, and as I see Jaromir Jagr step off the NHL stage, I realize I never hated the man, I just loved to hate the player. And now, I'm coming around to the belief that the management of the New York Rangers failed him, perhaps starting with the signings of Chris Drury and Scott Gomez, as I wrote about last year.

The cracks in the team chemistry that were caused by that signing, have expanded to shatter the Jaromir Jagr era of the New York Rangers, and any rebuilding that they began.

Now the Rangers and their fans must live with the results.

Let the Gretzky Fleury Lindros Bure Holik Jagr Naslund era begin.

Click here and enjoy.

UPDATE: They changed it. The bastards. It used to read: "Leafs give Finger big raise."

Sigh.

Hey Sportsnet! Take a lesson from the New York Post. They don't undo their greatest headlines.

Well, the fine folks over at Platinum Dunes, the producers of the highly anticipated remake of Friday the 13th, have officially released photos of the most famous hockey equipment since the era of Gerry Cheevers: the hockey mask of famed slasher Jason Voorhees. The new movie comes out Friday the 13th of February in 2009, and co-stars Mike Modano's wife.

Is it safe to say that hockey is back?

Here's a Friday the 13th themed hockey joke for ya:

Q: What does Hall of Fame hockey coach Toe Blake call a dude who can get up after getting stabbed, shot, electrocuted, run through, and drowned, yet still feels the need to wear a protective hockey mask?

A: A Pussy.

For more on Toe Blake, Jacques Plante, and Clint Benedict click here.
For an awesome punk rock song about Gerry Cheevers, click here.

I have just set up my DVR to record every episode of SoapNet's new hockey series "MVP" which premiered last night. From what we can tell so far, it's less about hockey than it is about a bunch of hot trashy women who are involved with hockey players.

I'm already on board.

That being said, I have a few ideas for episodes-

How about one when the star player takes his team on an underdog run to the the championship game, loses, then his wife demands he be traded in the off season as rumors swirl that he impregnated a local TV reporter!

Or one when the former backup goalie is not only inexplicably promoted to general manager of the team, but unexplained pictures surface of him with a bunch of hot blondes making out with each other!

Or one where the American hockey star's hot wife steals headlines when she nabs a part in the remake of the classic slasher film Friday the 13th!

Actually- forget it. That all sounds WAY too far fetched.

Even for a soap opera.

We'll keep you updated.

For my hockey-related, non hockey entertainment, I'm sticking to reality programming:



(Thanks to Danny for the find)

Strange news out of New York today, as a report has surfaced that the NHL could actually wrest the New York Rangers from the grasp of the MSG (Madison Square Garden) group. MSG is owned and operated by the Dolan family, a group of men whose names alone elicit the same raw, visceral hatred among Ranger fans as the name "Voldemort" does for the student body of Hogwarts.

When I forwarded the article to my Ranger fan buddy Eric, he replied dryly that he hoped that the Dolans and Bettman might "off themselves like in the end of Reservoir Dogs."

Oh, and if I could extend the Reservoir Dogs analogy, the cop who gets tied to a chair, doused in gasoline, has his ear sliced off, and eventually shot to death would be your average New York Knicks fan after this season . (The Dolan's also run the Knicks.)

Apparently, the Dolans have sued the NHL for maintaining a league wide consistency over all NHL team websites, claiming that it violates anti-trust laws and the NHL has responded by threatening disciplinary action for challenging the league constitution.

The NHL team sites are all functional and good looking, if a bit boring, but any team run site is going to have the interests of the team at heart and not print any negative information that might hurt ticket sales. All that seemed fine with me- so what do the Dolans want to do differently?

There isn't anything in the story about WHY the Dolans want to challenge the NHL's website consistency rules, but upon a quick perusal of both the New York Rangers site, and as a sample group, the Boston Bruins or New Jersey Devils sites, the Rangers site has a noticeable difference.

Up on the top of the Rangers site, under the NHL network links and above the consistent looking team website content there are the following links:

* MSG.com
* |Madison Square Garden
* |Radio City Music Hall
* |WaMu Theater at MSG
* |Beacon Theatre
* |The Chicago Theatre
* |MSG Insider
* |NY Knicks
* |NY Liberty


All of these are Dolan holdings, and no such similar link list appears for either the Devils or Bruins. My guess is, the NHL would much rather have the Ranger fans who come to the Rangers team page clicking on links that are NHL properties, as opposed to links that are not. I'm guessing the league told the Dolans they couldn't promote their personal holdings on an NHL website, seeing as the presence of a link to the New York Liberty might distract a Ranger fan from clicking on one of the NHL approved sites, like, you know, Poni23.com, the official website of Alexei Ponikarovsky (Now featuring an actual sculpture of Ponikarovsky's hand, for only $199.99 Canadian!)

I can't imagine that the NHL will actually remove the Rangers from the Dolan Empire, but for the benefit of my Ranger fan pals, here's hoping.

Still, though- if and when this debate fades away, it will be interesting to see if that link list atop NY Rangers dot com fades with it.

I'm betting it will.

So Detroit won the Cup, Barack Obama won the Democratic nomination, and that prick Tiger Woods won another U.S. Open.

Bo-ring.

If you're like me, you're craving something surprising or unpredictable to help pass the long summer months until the puck drops in October. Well my fellow surprise-wanters, look no further.

SOAPnet is launching a new series about hockey.

Yes, SOAPnet. You know SOAPnet. They show soap operas?

So yeah, that's a little surprising. If you want to be further surprised, see if you can guess what established demographic segment of the hockey fanbase they're targeting:

Yes, I spent the morning googling "rob lowe
shirtless." What are you getting at?

Did I mention that at this point in the post, my use of the term "surprise" becomes sarcastic? No? Well, let me further illustrate.

Another surprise is that the show appears to lack authenticity. For one thing, the players' names: Gabe McCall. Trevor Lemonde. Damon Trebuchet. I mean, what the hell? Not a "chuk" in the bunch. And I'm pretty sure at least one of those is a font.

But perhaps most surprising of all, SOAPnet has managed to produce a 2:17 promo for a show about hockey that (spoiler alert!) features NO FUCKING HOCKEY. If you care to sit through the pre-roll commercial for Splenda (a staple in the pantry/breakfast nook of any true hockey fan), you'll see what I mean:

Can you believe that? (Yeah, like you watched the whole thing). In their defense, though, "no hockey whatsoever" is only 3 seconds less than appears in the average NHL promo.

SIDE NOTE/AHF CONTEST BONANZA ANNOUNCEMENT: Five bucks to the first reader who can find a non-ironic embed of the above promo. Post a link in the comments, if you have hours to waste looking for something that doesn't exist. This is not a joke...I will really send you $5.

So I don't know about you, but I'm pretty much set for the summer...assuming I can tear myself away from the Death Metal dog.

What, can you think of anything better for today?